September 30, 2012

they seem to always involve the smaller things.  a murder here.  a suicide.  even an argument.

not events.  let's call them occasions.  i go through them.  i want them to go away.

September 29, 2012

arthur, that is what you do, also.  let's just say that you've slowed down a bit.

you go because you are curious.  you go because that is what you do.

misfits.    perhaps.    but i have a vague uneasiness when i visit these events.

are you surprised that you are powerless?  you are a misfit.  like myself.

September 27, 2012

sometimes i wonder why i go to these things.  this life is strange.

i was fine.  i fainted.  i felt light.  i felt ghostly.

no!  i had no control over anything.  i crumbled.  i just crumbled.

September 26, 2012

a few said hello.  i floated.  and i know what your next question will be...

so you saw it.  and you saw it again.  did they see you?  rather, did they recognize you?

September 25, 2012

carl then killed himself over her.  

carl vodt was in his office in the back.  ruminating.

her name was margarita carmen cansino.  she did a song and dance number.

the party had balloons.  it was in a nightclub.

i went to a party.  in argentina.  1946.  i knew what would happen.

September 23, 2012

so then you have the surprise of nuance.

if i know what happens that night, do i want to be present?  will i be invited?  i see a few people who might invite me.  it is this kind of thing that i can't see.  the shading is missing.

i see things that have yet to happen.  they are surprising.

September 22, 2012

adele, i can still see some things in the future.  the past has become more surprising now.

arthur, how do you know when and how they died?  do you see them in your mind?  are you planning to be there?  

excuse me, delvaux.  my mind was wandering.  end of session.  i'll come and see you when i need you.  don't hold your breath.

September 21, 2012

delvaux broke in.  arthur!  are you listening to me?  you seem to be miles away.

they were born in russia.  they felt like outsiders.  but how do you know of their deaths?

conway was living in flophouses for a few years before he died of drink in 1967.

no, he didn't.  george committed suicide in 1972.  his note said that he was bored.

you knew that george sanders was the younger brother of tom conway.  did tom talk to george about me?

the year was 1942.  tom conway had just finished cat people with val lewton.

September 19, 2012

arthur tried to look at adele but she was not there.  she is in tunis.  we didn't meet each other yet,  he said.

September 18, 2012

i was on that set.  you were probably there too.  i was running with tom conway in those days.

adele was listening.  she was still in tunis.  the movie was the moon and sixpence, she said.

September 17, 2012

sandy nichols was eric blore.  he was in a movie with george sanders.  i don't know about the others.

September 16, 2012

September 15, 2012

white whiskey label.  auld pure scotch whiskey, distilled and bottled by sandy gibbs distilling co.  glasgow, scotland.  there is a hand holding the bottle and it seems as if he has just written his name on the label.  there is a pencil in the upper right corner visible.  the name written on the label is sandy nichols.  

i remember that!  paul, i remember that.  the man was fritz schmidt, a german i knew.  he was a friend of mine for a time.  he was always taking pictures.  it was the 19th of november.  it was birthday bash for him.  the year?  i could never remember years.  everything is twenty or thirty years ago at my age.  i do remember that light.  it was six or seven in the morning and that was sunlight streaming through a crack in the curtains.  i don't know what he was looking at.  i do remember that at that point no one was feeling any pain.  show me a few more.  the ones with writing.

there is a man on the right with his head tilted up.  he is clearly looking at something or someone.  he may have a startled look.  he looks up to the left beyond the frame.  there is a calendar hanging on the wall on his right shoulder.  i can only make out the number 19 as the day.  it is dark.  a bright light shines on his throat.  do you remember that light?  

September 14, 2012

there are two halves.  the left half is the criminal division, main office entrance door.  room 220.  the right half is the wall next to the door.  there are three shadows on the wall, two with hats.  i assume that they are men.  the third shadow is smaller and overlaps the two in the foreground.  i can almost make out a face on the tallest shadow with the hat.  the shadow in the foreground is of uncertain gender.

September 13, 2012

a woman in front of ivy lane theater stage entrance.  mask painted on door.  cool weather.

delvaux broke the silence.  he said that he would describe what he sees in arthur's past.  arthur will see if they match the series of images that he sees in his past.  arthur said that he felt that it may be enlightening.    yes.  arthur said the word enlightening.  arthur has something left.  this does not surprise adele.  he has already gone against her wish to rid himself of delvaux.  arthur felt that he was only partially a failure in life.  he thought that while he was in the midst of these dilemmas in the past were the times when he felt the most comfortable in life.  arthur used to tell the story of how giaccometti and beckett took long, winding walks.  beckett was quiet.  when they did talk, they talked of how they were failures, and how they laughed and laughed and laughed.  arthur seemed to be comfortable with experimentation still.  adele had thought of him as an experienced man who was just a bit tired of it all.  but arthur was able to laugh about his failures and seek comfort, the kind of comfort which wasn't comfort at all.  he certainly didn't consciously think of himself as defeated.  adele said that arthur was an uneasy man.  he told her he had always been an uneasy man. adele said that he enjoys uneasy things.  arthur always wanted to the stranger in town.  now perhaps he could be a little more of a stranger to himself. 

September 12, 2012

 and then delvaux and arthur backed up a few steps, and looked at each other for a long time.

the neon sign says dreamland.  it is very dark.  but I can see a commotion out front.

tell me what you see!  describe them to me.

September 11, 2012

pictures with words you say?  i can see them too, said paul delvaux.

now all the things that i remember are pictures with words.  i do not know them.

September 10, 2012

being shocked out of his head.

and now even these memories were at first reduced... before

arthur was at that age when everything happened thirty years ago. 

the stan laurel in my dreams is the same stan laurel in my life.

September 9, 2012

adele never talks about her dreams.  it is all one thing,  she thinks.